I'm really into asian looking animals
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
