i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
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