i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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