His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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