One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Drunk is a universal language darling
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
