Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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