Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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