I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
