I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Randomize
