I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
