Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
