So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
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