hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
