Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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