Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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