the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
