well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
