Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
