Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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