At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
