Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
