I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
