I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
