I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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