I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
