had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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