I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
