I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Randomize
