I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Randomize
