let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
we should paint friendship bongs
my penis made a compromise with my morals
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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