A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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