I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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