If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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