Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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