Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
