if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
