By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
