So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize