You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize