Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
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