My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
