You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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