I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
