We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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