It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
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