My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
