They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
