So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
