i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
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