very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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