Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
