mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
