I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
