if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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