How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
