Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
