Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
