I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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