Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize